What You Accept vs. What You Deserve

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“I need a man…who’s gonna treat me right. I want a man…who’ll be with me  every night. I gotta find me a man…with sensitive eyes. One who understands…that love is stronger than pride.” – Toni Braxton, Find Me a Man

Let’s just keep it real.

Chances are if you are over 40 and single for whatever reason, you are hoping that “the one” is just a chance meeting, Tinder swipe, or mouse click away.

I’m not exempt.

I am dangerously single and, since the idea of growing old alone and not having a toothless partner in crime to wear diapers with is a little sad, I too hope the man who is waiting for a woman just like me will eventually materialize in my life.

But in the meantime, I’m cool with winging it. Meaning, I’m okay with not having a relationship that makes me mad and sad more than happy and glad, just for the sake of saying “I have a man.”

It shouldn’t be common place for any woman to put up with anything that does not reiterate her worthiness and value, but unfortunately some have allowed themselves to stay in situations that are a long way from conducive to their well-being.

And this is, by far, one the most unnecessary ways to waste away years of your life that you will never get back.

Yes, I do believe life’s journey was meant to be shared, but shared with someone who genuinely loves, respects and appreciates you. Someone who is willing to put their needs before yours. Someone who is honestly concerned with having your best interests at heart.

You can always make the conscious choice to only accept that which is GOOD for you, ELEVATES you and brings you to a place of PEACE.  No one in this world can do anything to you that you do not allow. But first, you must understand your worth and when you do, accepting anything less than you deserve becomes an instant issue of the past.

No more dealing with someone who takes you for granted.

No more constantly rebounding from relationships that ended due to lying, cheating, and other disrespect.

No more waiting for the commitment only to be led on and let down when the ring never materializes.

No more waiting for the “title” while you “compete” in a sea of other women.

And no more enduring endless text relationships, online encounters that never get to the next level of dating, and constantly attempting to sell yourself to men who are already looking over your head to the next best thing.

Decide to only entertain men that will bring added value to your life experience and promise yourself that you will no longer accept anything you do not deserve.

And if there is any confusion about what it is that you deserve, make no mistake.  You deserve the very best of everything, and there are NO exceptions to this rule.

Nuff said. 😉

50 Shades of Cray

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I have been very vocal about wanting to have a great guy in my life and since I keep being reminded of the fact that “He won’t show up at your doorstep Jeanette!”, I’ve begun the process of getting back into the dating game.

I’ve been off the market for a while as I was writing, but since the “hardcore” process of writing the second book hasn’t quite begun, I figured I’d take a little time off for some fun.

I said FUN.  Not cray cray.

In the short time that I’ve been attempting to date, I’ve come across some of the most mentally challenged men on the planet. (Yes, the PLANET)

Let me paint you a little picture:

There was the one who road-raged and cursed out random drivers…during our FIRST phone conversation.

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Then there was the one who I found out was not so secretly still in love with his ex-wife, and our last conversation turned into a full-blown therapy session.

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And I can’t forget the one who spent all of our conversations more concerned with who else I may or may not be talking to or dating. I spent so much time fielding questions about my current situation that I never got to know who HE was!

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There were others, but you get the picture.

I am keeping an open mind, staying positive, and attempting to find the humor in the “frog kissing” phase of meeting men, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that I hope that Prince is saddled up and on the way.

Like NOW.

Seriously.

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I know that dating in middle age means meeting people who have 20+ years of relationships and dating under their belts and with that comes a certain amount of baggage. I expect that as I’m not exactly luggage free myself.

Baggage is one thing.

Psychologically challenged is a WHOLE other ball game.

Thank God I saved my psych books from college…..

What A Woman Really Wants (Listen up, Fellas)

  
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I’ve heard men over the years say how difficult it is to understand women, but I just can’t comprehend why it’s such a hard thing to do.

Of course I’m kidding.

We are, by far, the most complex creatures on the planet, but the essence of what we want from a man is really very simple. 

Since I am a woman (and a very expressive one at that…lol), I’ve come up with a Top 5 list because if I didn’t, this would turn into a novel instead of a blog post. 

#5  We want to feel loved and protected

Even the strongest and most independent woman has a deep desire to feel safe, secure, and adored. When a woman is shown consistent and genuine affection and concern for her well-being, this allows her to be vulnerable and openly loving towards a man, and as a result, it makes their interactions more intimate and satisfying. 

#4  We want to know that you can be trusted 

With so much temptation at every corner, we want to know that no matter what may come your way, you will always remember in the back of your mind that you already have all the love you need at home. We understand you aren’t blind and that being with someone doesn’t mean you won’t ever be attracted to another person again, but we want you to show us with your actions that when it comes to us, there’s no place you’d rather be. 

#3 We want to be pursued 

The dating tables have turned and even though there are men who have become comfortable letting the woman do all the asking, paying, and chasing, most women prefer to be on the receiving end of that. A woman gets a rush of excitement knowing the man she’s attracted to cares enough to regularly seek her out and plan things for them to do together. It doesn’t have to be on a huge Bachelor-esque scale, just knowing he put thought into it goes a very long way. 

#2 We want you to have a direction in life, and to be supportive of ours. 

A fully grown woman has likely made some sort of mark in life, and is usually attracted to a man who similarly has goals, direction, and is pursing his passion. A hard-working man who takes pride in what he does for a living, and has the capacity to respect and appreciate a woman who is on the same page is very appealing. If the admiration is mutual, a woman will naturally be supportive and loving to her man as he lives out his dreams. 

#1 We want to be a priority

We want to know we have your heart. We want to know you have plans for us. We want to know that you are making decisions with us in mind. We want to feel how important we are to you by your actions.  We want you to care about adding to our happiness.  And when you make us a priority, that’s how you get the best of us. 

Every woman will have her own personal desires, but at least this gives the men a good place to start. 

Ladies, please feel free to add in anything else. Think of this as that commercial from back in the day on NBC “The More You Know” for your future mate 😉

Netflix and Chill…Really?

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I got married when I was 20 years old.

By the time I was 23, I had two small children, a husband, and a mortgage.

Clearly, I understand that the choice I made to marry and start a family so young meant that I would miss out on the dating world that so many of my girlfriends were still deeply involved in.  But as my mother told me over the years after my divorce, “When the kids are grown, you’ll only be 41 years old and then you’ll get to date while you’re still young. It will be better then, too, because at that age, you’ll meet a true gentleman.”

Okay,  so…it’s possible that the men of my future missed that memo from my mom.

Not only has it been difficult to meet a true gentleman (and I’ll provide my definition of that in just a few), but with the birth of the “Netflix and Chill” movement, it’s damn near impossible to even get a decent date!

For me (and this may not be true for ALL women), a gentleman is one who once he has made his interest in me clear, has no problem with actually COURTING me: ie., taking me on dates, spending time (outside of a TEXT message), and getting to know me as a person, as opposed to instantly looking to go the “southern route”.  In other words, understanding that along with a body that is capable of partaking in…um….let’s just say “pleasurable activities” down the line, there is also a head that contains an actual BRAIN that can…wait for it…formulate thoughts, ideas, and is capable of scintillating conversations!  Imagine that.

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But the Netflix and Chill movement is quickly squashing any hope of real dates for lots of women in Atlanta.

If you aren’t familiar with this, it basically means that for some men, the new idea of a date (whether it’s a very first date, or if you’ve been dating for months) is to invite you to his home where you will sit on his couch, watch a movie on Netflix and “chill”.

The “chill” component carries quite a few meanings because while part of it does involve actual “chilling”, it’s also an unspoken word that the “chill” will lead to other  “not so chill” activities.

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Exactly.

So what I’m trying to figure out is what is a 45- year-old woman with an actual working brain who is single, a great catch, and ready to meet a great guy to spend real time with supposed to do in a city full of men whose idea of a date is hanging out on their couch watching a movie?

Don’t get me wrong.  If I’m dating a guy for months and we are beyond the initial phase, there’s nothing more cozy than snuggling on the couch with a good movie.

But when I don’t know you from a can of paint, first of all I don’t want to be in your house, and second…is it too much to ask that you spring for an actual dinner….in a restaurant?

There’s definitely a time and place for “Netflixing and Chilling”, but would I be reaching for the stars to assume that maybe for fully grown adults who are 40+ that time is not the first date?

When the One That Got Away….Comes Back

I was minding my own business.

Staying out of trouble. (Well…I was trying to anyway)

I was just living my life, going to work, and working on my book edits, when out of nowhere…there he was.

This man…whoo…this man, let me tell you. Have you ever known a person who was the real-life equivalent of the complete summation of every dream, desire, and fantasy on any level you’ve ever had? Well, he is that person for me.

We met many years ago, and as irony would have it, he was from Georgia but was moving to California, and I am from California and had recently moved to Georgia. (Yes, ass-backward, I know)

Anyway, we remained friends and since his family is in Georgia, we saw each other whenever he would come to town. Since we lived thousands of miles away, a relationship wasn’t in the cards, but our connection was so strong that we built an unbreakable friendship that has been one of the most treasured relationships I’ve had to this day. Of course, there was always mild flirting, and even with talking each other through our own relationships and dating disasters, a part of me always wondered….what if….?

So I’m sure you’re wondering, (if you don’t know me very well) “Did you tell him how you felt?” And for those of you who do know me well, you already know the answer to that one. Of course I did NOT tell him how I felt for two reasons:

1. I’m dangerously old school and wanted to leave it up to him as the man to make the first move (if any moves were ever going to be made)

2. I didn’t want to wreck the friendship

I went on about my pathetic dating life, but as the years went by, he became more and more prevalent in my thoughts of the type of man I wanted. Everything I so hopefully looked for in each guy I dated was always wrapped up in him:

Intelligent
Chivalrous
HOT
Family oriented
Financially responsible
HOT
Humorous
Compassionate
HOT
Adventurous
Civic-Minded

Um….did I mention HOT? Because he is…VERY (oh my GAWD he is! Whooo..okay…let me get myself together)

Within the past 9 months or so, our communication has picked up and to my surprise, he expressed how he felt and that it had been beyond a friendship for quite sometime. So here I was, finally on the same page with a man who is literally the man of my DREAMS….

And he lives over 2000 miles away. Really?

So now I’m not sure what’s worse: the pathetic non-existent lack of a dating life I’m having with men who live within a 20 mile radius, or knowing that the man I could easily spend eternity with is half way across the country.

Even I can’t wait to see how this will turn out….lol.